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You know what was an unpleasant way to start the day? Opening your eyes, sitting up to rub the sleep crusties from their corners, and feeling just those small movements flip your stomach. Raisa scrambled to her paws slowly, tired, feeling heavy as she had the last few days, and made for the entrance of the den with messy, quick strides.
To upchuck last night's supper into a bush just outside.
She'd been feeling vaguely gross, but it wasn't until that very moment, bent over the winter-bare foliage and expelling a very important meal amidst the lean season, that Raisa considered the potential consequences of her impromptu rendezvous. She hadn't been in season, though she knew that didn't always matter; the fire's strange effects had certainly made them... insatiable, as if she was.

Shit, shit, shit!

Panic was the knee-jerk reaction. She wanted them; wanted them more than anything she'd ever thought about in her life, would love them no matter what, would spend the rest of her life living for them and making Northfall the best home she could to grow up in. The moment realization hit her, she felt the ache of it, the realization that the life she never thought she would have was within her grasp. All she could picture was her and Bogart curled within a dark den, protecting precious floppy-eared, smooshy-faced, perfect babies that looked just like him.
But what if Bo didn't want them? They were adults, they knew what could result in coupling, but what if that life she had in her mind wasn't his picture of happiness? What if he already thought their life was perfect? What if he wasn't ready? They'd only known each other a few weeks!

Licking her lips of the saliva, Raisa kept moving, blood pounding in her ears and limbs shaking as her strides lengthened. It was early, and though she could hardly tell through the cloud-cover and raging blizzard, she thought it was too soon for the sun to have risen yet. Good, she thought -- the bite of the cold felt nice against her flushed skin, and she scaled the shelves of stone up the mountain with near-ease as the densely packed flakes swirled around her, settled on her fur. She did it all the time, and the act in itself was easy, but her body felt heavy. Her brain felt sluggish, though her thoughts raced faster than her fleeing paws.
What if he left? What if the price for her progeny was the first, most pure chance at love Raisa'd ever been faced with?

And Wardruna. Surely, she'd be happy for Raisa, happy for her kids to have playmates to grow up with, happy the Rodion woman was helping Northfall grow and thrive again. Right? The Queen was, admittedly, the lesser of her worries. If there was really a problem there, she would summon Carnifex and Sera and perhaps go back to Ichorwood. If the worst case scenario was they went back home where they'd started, their monarch heartbroken but with a bright future ahead, Raisa could live with that.
But she didn't want it.
The thought surprised her. A few weeks ago, she'd wished Bo had found her sooner. Wouldn't it have been nice: still leading Seiiki, trading goods across Mythris with a solid partner at her side, raising her kids where she'd grown up? She supposed, yeah, but suddenly all the heartbreak that'd led her here had given her something... undeniably good. If everything else kept falling apart around her, she thought she could still make it as long as nothing happened to them.

The chill calmed Raisa some, and she swallowed gulps of air against her rising dread and dizziness. She'd be fine, she told herself. They would be fine. If nothing else, she could be confident in that much. But fine... fine couldn't be enough forever. She couldn't keep sliding by in life feeling like she got the short end of the stick over and over and over. She needed a win. A solid win.
A partner at her side. Sera and Carni at her back. The kids spilling between their paws. A strong, capable pack around them.
Here, in reach.
As long as she hadn't ruined things just by... existing, again. Certainly, by now, her luck had to turn in her favor.

Raisa slipped as a particularly vicious gust of wind threw her off-balance.

She sucked in a sharp breath as three of her four legs slid out from beneath her in the fresh powder, and one clawing foot wasn't enough to keep her on the ledge.

She was lucky the one beneath her was wide, sturdy, and only a few feet down. Had she slowed down, payed closer attention, she'd have seen a much easier path up the area that didn't involve desperate climbing. Her limbs burned. Her lungs hurt. She landed against the icy stone with a dull thud, grunting as the air whooshed from her. It didnt hurt more than her pride, not really, though she imagined she'd be even more sore later than she already felt.
The shelf gave way to a small overhang though, and Raisa took the chance to crawl beneath it, curling into herself against the far edge of the shallow pit and panting. The storm was getting worse, she thought bitterly, laying her head on her tail and letting it curl about her neck like a scarf, hugging close to herself. She felt... silly. Her worries, her flight, it felt pointless and unhelpful and she knew one way or another she'd have to speak to Bo about it.

She adored him for his vibrancy, his gentleness, his love of life. Did she really think he wouldn't want any part in the rearing of their whelps?

Raisa had learned to expect the worst.

For a while, all Raisa could hear was the rapid-fire throb of her pulse and the whirlwind of her own even more swiftly moving -changing- thoughts. Hormones, she tried to reason herself back down to calm, were beginning to stir. She was being unreasonable. She knew that. Knowing didn't make it easier to tangle with. Being aware only made her feel worse about what she knew she should've done, how she should've handled this, the mistakes she made -- and she didn't even know Bo had been aware from the start. What she did know was that she was stupid, that she could've gotten hurt, that now she'd have to climb some more on ice-slicked ledges in the blizzard.

And, just as she was hoping Bo was still peacefully asleep and not also ranging out in this shitty weather, his voice summoned her from above. Fuck. She jumped so hard she bumped her head against the rocky ceiling of the low alcove. I'm here, Bo, she returned, feeling the cadence of her heart up its tempo and her feelings swirl uncomfortably in her chest. Honored, that he'd come to check on her. Anger, that he'd followed her through the blizzard. Guilt, for making him feel like he had to. Intense, hot waves of joy that he cared enough to see what was wrong.
She didn't even know what to call the feeling she got when Bo said he'd find her a way down. She didn't need rescuing, she didn't want to take his job from him, she wasn't ready to talk about it, she didn't want to endanger him! She could hop her own way off the ledge, she was sure.
Then there was a faint thump against the rock, and Raisa knew she wasn't alone anymore.

Her heart warmed, despite her worries.

This was the man she fretted would leave her, wouldn't want the pitter-patter of tiny little paws about them, snuggling against them at night?

Yeah, I'm okay, she offered, remaining pressed into the dark niche, letting her head fall back down to her tail-pillow when his probing intensified. She had to tell him, she wouldn't in a million years hide it from him, but terror threatened to choke her.

I don't know, she rumbled, then wrinkled her nose in displeasure, No, I- Why was this so hard? Raisa swallowed a lump in her throat, lifting a paw to drape over her eyes to hide her indignity and the glare of tears welling in them. Just being silly, I think. I'm okay. Yeah. Totally fine. She let her leg fall, blinking over at him with a shiny gaze.

Raisa forced herself to unfurl a little, slowly straightening, crawling forwards to meet Bogart. The least she could do was go to him now, comfort him until she could find her words, right?

I thought you were asleep. I did not mean to worry you, sweetheart.

Raisa knew she'd never been good at the ‘act casual’ part of many interactions, but to think Bo was already so well attuned to her? She wasn't sure she'd fooled him even a moment, but his words made her heart ache.
He'd seen her. He'd followed her. Had he seen her fall, too? The embarrassment welled heavier, bringing heat to her face than already flushed her. To think she'd left him behind, in weather like this, in a place he was new to. What shame. I did not mean to wake you, she apologized, ears fluttering atop her head. She was glad he moved to meet her, curling against his chest, heaving deep breaths as his muzzle roamed her. Checked her.
Worrying might have been what he was good at, but she was, too. A thread of possessiveness pulsed through her, afraid of this being one of their last embraces, and she cast her head over his back to hug him close. Tremors fluttered through her.

He asked what spooked her, and she searched for words. He rephrased, and she gave a rueful smile. Me, she sighed, knowing that rumble would fall from his throat and he would be left with more questions, more worry. Would he still catch her? Overthinking. That's what I am good at. A simplified truth. A shield. An aching heart desperate to be seen, held, soothed behind mile-high walls and locked gates of hurt and hesitation; fidgeting paws that hid a key both willing and afraid to offer.

Raisa thought, as he urged her to speak, that she'd been worrying the wrong way. No, perhaps he wouldn't leave. Perhaps he would try, even if he didn't want to. That's the type of man she'd come to understand him as.
She couldn't trap him.
She couldn't live a life knowing if he stayed for her, or because of them.

Bo, why are you here? She exhaled in a huff, pulling her head up again to search for his gaze anxiously. Not, she flicked a paw at the stony wall, here, She appreciated that much! Northfall. Why did you come here with me? Her voice hitched, and she swallowed.

Why have you stayed?

Had he not asked, not cared, would Raisa have sat here with him and pretended everything was okay? Probably, at least for a while. She wasn't ready to talk about it, not really, but she didn't think that would change in time; it was the uncertainty of his reaction that kept her on edge, the worry that she would drive him away or, worse, keep him here when he didn't want to be. Too much of her life had been complicated, and Raisa didn't wish to watch another carefully cultivated branch of her attempted family tree rot away despite her best efforts.

If one more dream turned to dust in her mouth, she thought she might lose her fucking sanity.

Guilt throbbed through Raisa's mind like a headache, pulsing, a constant reminder of misery. He sounded so.. confused. Her heart hurt. She reached out, immediately seeking to comfort him, lapping at his cheek as if she could kiss away the worries she'd put accidentally on his shoulders.
She had to know.

'I've stayed cause of you, Raisa. I've liked what we've been doin', liked this, like us.'

Her sunset gaze peered into his features, searching, hopeful, her tail offering a single wag to and fro.
It stilled when his ears angled back, and he said he understood if she wasn't happy. Raisa couldn't help it, didn't have time to even fight the urge as it welled up and broke from her: she laughed. A breathless, panicked, self-depreciating laugh.

I have been stupid, she hiccupped, rising to press her cheek into his shoulder and turn her sad doe-eyed gaze up to him, Bo, you are my everything. I have loved our time together more than I ever was happy being a queen, and I would do anything to keep you at my side.

Shining tears finally fell to her cheeks, and once they started, they came in great gushes.

I fear you will grow bored. I fear trapping you here. I fear the thought of you leaving.

So she ran. Would he guess why? He was an herbalist, but if Raisa hadn't both the knowledge and the strange feelings of changing --a vague oddness only amplified by things like nausea-- within her, she wasn't sure she'd have noticed so early.

She choked on a soft sob.

Things... will change, now.

Perhaps he would laugh when she admitted her worries out loud. He didn't know how silly it really was yet, but the more she calmed, the more his comfort came so easy, the more it felt so. What had running accomplished? Stressing out Bo. What had she gotten from it? Bruises, more sore than she already was.

But he was right. It could happen to anyone.
And here they were.

‘Love, all ya' gotta do is tell me ya' want me there and not a thing could move me.’ Nothing? Not responsibility? Not commitment? Not protective siblings who had watched her lose and lose and lose again? Not a stubborn woman desperate for but afraid of the love in her grasp? Raisa wanted to believe him, knew she should after weeks of getting to know him and seeing not a shred of proof of her current, sudden worries. Felt she could trust him, even, which only mad the weight still hang heavier still on her shoulders. Anxieties were not so easily erased after years -a lifetime- of repeated traumas.
Everyone had a limit. Maybe he had just never found his. Maybe she would shatter it.

He lifted her chin to look seriously at her, and Raisa got lost in the deep orange of his gaze, the softness of his touch. ’I don't wanna. Raisa, there ain't any place I'd rather be. Sure, things might change, but that won't. I swear it.’

She thought of Zankoku; Seiiki and Raisa by her side but struggling, lonely, driven from home by her own instability and insecurities. She remembered the day Koku lashed out at her, the last time she saw the fiery woman. They'd both been so harsh. You're my friend, your pain is mine and I would kill to banish it for you, But that wasn't enough. Raisa had done her best, but it hadnt touched Koku's heart. She missed her best friend every day, hoped she was okay, hoped to see her again and apologize for her sharp words.
She didn't want to be so hard-hearted that she pushed away those that loved her. Had she been kinder that day, would Koku still be at her side? She didn't want to spiral down a road of no return that would lead her to a life of solitude or chaos. She didn't want to feel as if nobody understood her, saw her struggles, celebrated her achievements.

That meant baring her truth to Bo, even if it hurt. He deserved it as much as she did.

I think I'm pregnant, she whispered, shaky, unable to stop the flow of tears, I fear you will grow bored with a life you did not ask for. That you will feel as if you must stay. You do not. Did he still want to?

She held her tongue against an onslaught of further worries, eyes locked against his. Darling, I don't want you to go anywhere. I want to be your one and only. But I understand if this is not what you signed up for. A way out.

She held her breath.