Raisa felt the time, hopes, and dreams slipping between her paws like sand. Nearly everything and everyone she had ever loved... they were gone. It was just she and Serafina now, the final remnants of a bloodline forgotten. Rajani, Blackfoot, Cirilla, Akuji, Shreya, Andrei -- they were all gone, mist burned away in the morning sun. If any of them were still alive, she didn't know.
Her heart ached when she thought even of Koku and her children, not blood, but family all the same.
Would she lose the rest, one by one? Was she doing something wrong to drive them away?

Raisa sulked. She'd been planning to go out again, but any ambitions she had for Seiiki were whittling away with each layer of grief added to her shoulders. How could she leave, now, when there were so few of them? Carnifex, Serafina, Cobalt, Barbosa, Stream -- they were all her fellow ghosts haunting the bloody woods, and Raisa was growing tired of failing them. She must've been, for so many to leave, to die, to be lost.
Were they just leaving her, Seiiki, the failed vision of a child queen?
Should she go looking for them?
She was nearly two years old, but she still didn't feel like an adult. She still felt like that scared yearling who went running to find Akuji and Shreya in the first place, blood on her fur and grief in her heart. What had changed? Since that day, it seemed as if she'd only lost, and most things she'd gained, she'd lost that too. Cirilla, Koku, stability, peace of mind... Hell, she'd even stripped herself of her own last name mid-identity crisis.

The striped woman plodded along the borders, disheartened and weary. Did she keep recruiting? Did she give up entirely? Did she find someone else to pass the mantle along to, someone more qualified? Who did she trust with everything she'd tried to create? .... Then what? Follow a new ruler, watch them reap what she'd sowed or worse, change everything anyway?
No.

The Sovereign sighed, stopped briefly to mark, and carried on halfheartedly. She kept on with her duties every day despite losing the joy in it, even when she didn't know why, telling herself it was for the others she kept going. Where would Barbosa have had to heal, if Seiiki wasn't there to let her land? Where would creatures like Stream be welcomed -- would other packs of wolves take her in, or was Seiiki alone in their ways? And Carnifex, with the social ability of a cricket?
She couldn't fail them, and those yet to come.

He's going to try to be better about returning. Remembering where he's going, remembering how he's been living, that sort of thing. That's why he's back now, carrying a bundle of dried herbs. Despite all the screaming in his head, Cobalt knows damn well that these plants serve a purpose, and he's going to make good on his promise to be the healer he thinks he can be. After all, he's maxxed that skill a few times to the point that dragonborn perks keep rolling over.

And people say Alchemy sucks.

He stops near the border to scratch something out of his brain, some sound that keeps reverberating, and that's when he sees her. "Oh. Hey, Raisa." Is he supposed to call her by a title? He doesn't know. The buzzing gets louder, so he scratches deeper and then full-body shakes until it goes back a bit more.

"Seen anything on the border? I've heard the Oblivion Crisis ended, but you know, I'm sure they stranded a few daedra back here. Or maybe one of the gates is stuck open?" BUZZ. INCORRECT BUZZER NOISE. "No, wait, that doesn't make lore sense, sorry." He shakes his head again. "Anyway, no vampires, right?"

Can't let go, Raisa kept telling herself desperately, day after day, week after week. She couldn't fail her people, she couldn't fail the legacy she'd been trying to honor and remember. Even if Rajani hadn't been her real Father, he'd raised her and her littermates in his grief. She refused to believe he didn't do what he thought best for them all. She wanted to do good things in the world, to improve the standing of her family, to create a sanctuary for those who were different, or alone, or lost.

But it felt like it was an empty dream, especially now that nearly all those she had to work alongside, to remember alongside were gone. She... wasn't sure she wanted to do this anymore. Maybe one of their allies could use a boost of members? Maybe a new, budding group could use some more hands to set up? Raisa wasn't sure, but the idea wormed its way into her head and demanded real consideration.

Later.

Cobalt's voice called out, grabbing her attention from where he was sitting DEEP in what looked to be a satisfying scratch. Raisa offered a smile and a wag of her tail, pleased to see a familiar face. He'd been around early in her life, and while he made her think of easier, happier times, he was also a stark reminder that not everyone was gone.

Hello, Cobalt, she returned, happy for his casual nature if not even his senseless chattering. Did any of it make sense? Of course not, it never had and probably never would. Did Raisa mind? Never, not one bit. She very much had a question of daedra on her tongue, but he kept on going, seeming to correct himself -- but the second attempt didn't make anymore... lore... sense? than the first one. No matter. She was confident in her answer:

No vampires, she nodded, because, well... she hadn't seen anything weird, or unknown, and while she had not the faintest idea what a vampire was, that checked it into the unknown category.

Nothing on the borders at all. Nothing happening, at all.

Her dour mood was leaking through, and she sighed a little at it.

Well. If there was anyone she could pop random questions on, it was crazy vampire-fighting grandpa, right?

Cobalt, what would a good leader do if they... don't think they want to lead anymore? Loves their people, wants the best for them, but just isn't happy? Took on the job for the wrong reasons?

Cobalt might be crazy, but he's got emotional intelligence. He picks up fast on Raisa's bad mood, and he closes the distance between them to nuzzle her shoulder.

"Well, I would tell this person to consider being selfish." He knows she's talking about herself, but doesn't need to make it known. "They could ask among their people if there's anyone that could step up to lead, or if their people even need a leader. Perhaps it's too much pressure for this person, you know? And that's fine. They don't need to light themselves on fire to keep everyone else warm, especially since everyone that loves them will understand that they mean more than ashes."

And for a moment, Cobalt is present and cognizant. But Cobalt's distinct silliness comes through.

"I mean, we're in the middle of the worst crisis Mythris has ever seen. We're getting weird dreams, there are vampires attacking Whiterun..." He shrugs. "We've got a lot going on. I don't blame anyone for being overwhelmed."

Raisa didn't expect him to come forward and touch her shoulder, but as unexpected as it was, she realized just how starved she was for the proper socialization she'd been denying herself. Even when her Mother and brother were here, even though Sera wasn't far, she always felt the need to be put together. Confident. Unshakable. Fun. Raisa lowered her head over his neck for a hug, standing rigidly there as she continued to struggle against a wave of grief.

Selfish.
Of all things that could've been said about the thorny tigress, she didn't think that one ever fit her. She could be barbed, and cold, and too protective over her packmates - her family. But everything she'd ever done, pushing herself to be an open, friendly leader willing to create bonds with other groups, playing in a world of politics she didn't understand, taking a mantle she wasn't ready for, it'd all been for them. So her siblings always had a home to rest their heads, so Koku and her kids always had a beacon back to where they were loved, so Cirilla might return and be proud of her daughter one day. But it was crumbling around her, the aching darkness inside her pulsing with every goodbye she was robbed. She wanted to be selfish, she realized. She wanted to let go of what she'd created, and if it burned without her, so be it. He was right - she was worth more than the cinders that would remain of her if she kept trying to light their way. Perhaps Cobalt had a point, and her people didn't need a rudder to guide them at all. Maybe nothing at all would burn, it would just fade quietly into a history nobody would remember, and their family would remain here, happy, intact.
Perhaps there was one among them willing to take reins so already worn between stressed hands. The willows had been inhabited, Barbosa had at least one member willing to fight for her. Before the sudden emptiness and her later resurfacing, alone, changed, there had been something budding. Would she want to let it flower this time?

Raisa held his advice in the front of her mind, hating it and obsessed with it alike. It was failure, but it was freedom, a burden she hadn't expected weighing along the ones she'd already shouldered. The ones still piling. The monarch nodded slowly, carefully, her conflicted emotions warring on her features.

It's worth thinking on. Thank you, Cobalt.

He went on to mention the crisis. Raisa ground her jaws, looking to the ground in shame. Sure, she'd gotten the dreams, the plea for help from an ancestor she didn't know. Was it even hers, or just some old inhabitant of the world that'd fucked it all up?
She had studiously ignored it so long as ichorwood remained untouched, pretending dream after vision hadn't wracked her and hoping perhaps it was just a plague of nightmares on her strained mind. Hearing it brought to life in the air between them stung, for it meant just one more duty she wasnt attending.

Maybe his rambling about vampires was more true than she put stock in. What was her life coming to?

I've been wrong to ignore that, I think. I... kept hoping the dreams were just my own nightmares.

It fit, that she would have troubled sleep for fear of the world around them crumbling in terrible ways.