Vivarium
PRP and I'm thinking of you, while I'm up here higher than God - Printable Version

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and I'm thinking of you, while I'm up here higher than God - Sólúlfur - 12/20/2025


set immediately following This thread.

The herbs she'd gathered for her journey to the beach were abandoned, left to grow only a layer of feathery frost as the night progressed. Solulfur did not spare a thought for them. Pragmatism was left behind in the snow, too, as she walked away - from her ritualistic pilgrimage, from her duty, from where she'd told Torgar she 'did not fancy men'.

A marriage proposal. A friendship lost. Things Solulfur wished to say that she knew now would not be welcome from her lips. After Solvi, she thought she would not be so foolish as to open herself up to anyone new. That she would be better at guarding her heart and guarding that which she cared about.

But she could not guard Torgar from her own blindness. Perhaps she could have let him down more gently she'd noticed sooner, before he'd been so captivated as to try to bind them in engagement.

The woman who calls you wife should pray each day for joy, Torgar's voice echoed in her ears. The Sun-wolf blinked away the visions of the past from her unfocused gaze, only to note the cave that lay before her. The familiar edges of it's dark maw. The scent of caramel under the snow and pine.

Fondness warmed in her chest, before embarrassment crawled up her spine and scalded the tips of her ears. Was she going to wake the hard-working First Class just to gossip about the latest in Solulfur's life? The events of tonight should not have cut her half as deeply as it had.

Yet it seemed only further proof that Solulfur, despite her best efforts, could do little but wander headlong into her words leaving scars on those she had claimed as her own. From Mirra to Nottin, now to Torgar, and all the things she'd failed to say to Solvi.

She sat in the snow, running her tongue over the tender spot in her cheek where she'd bit it. The stone-faced facade bled from her frame, leaving only the rawer core of the Sun-wolf exposed to the wind that coursed over the Vale. She did not wish to intrude - had not yet come to any conclusion about what she wished to impart to Aurelia.

It seemed a wholly selfish sense of gut-wrenching want had led her here. And Solulfur was no stranger to selfish, yet she could not bear to imagine stomping into the Shakti-Vaes space to wake her, entitled to an audience fo Solulfur's conflicted thoughts.


RE: and I'm thinking of you, while I'm up here higher than God - Aurelia - 12/21/2025

Her lungs ached tightly as the cold wind tore through them, its icy fingers gripping vice-like at her throat, and still she climbed. Up, up, up. Raw and blooded, her paws were nonetheless numb to any sense of touch, and so she felt nothing as she clawed at the rocky slope and ascended toward her goal.

But it was moving, she realized.

Frowning, she blinked through frost-encrusted lashes as she heaved herself up another large stone, but as she did the high ledge she so desperately sought seemed to recede further from view.

Was it a trick of the light, perhaps? Was it the thinning air starving her mind of its senses?

It was so important. Something was there that she needed. Or did it need her? Aurelia felt confusion; then fear. Eyes upon her. Everyone watching from below, waiting for her to slip, anticipating the fall. She reached for the next foothold. Did they crave her failure, would they laugh? Would they be disappointed?

She woke with a start.

There was a presence nearby, a feeling she could not explain, and Aurelia wordlessly rose and crept toward the mouth of the den as pale moonlight illuminated a familiar silhouette.

Sólúlfur. Relief washed over her like a cleansing rain, banishing the dream from her mind as quickly as the dawn always did.

It is late, Aurelia stated the obvious, giving the woman a questioning look before her features softened. But you do not need an invitation to speak to me. Is something on your mind?

How unusually... distressed she looked, Aurelia thought. Sólúlfur was not a wolf easily ruffled, so something must have occurred to put her in such a state.

RE: and I'm thinking of you, while I'm up here higher than God - Sólúlfur - 1/24/2026



Solulfur was tired. Of trying. Of failing. Of the pain that always followed the joy she painstakingly built from this uncaring world. The elation of her admission to Torgar had been brief indeed. All she could muster now was relief it was over, and confusion over her inner turmoil, the very same that had led her to the First Class' den. The very same that would wake Aurelia, it seemed, during much-needed and well-earned rest.

She felt guilty, and ashamed for having done so. An effort to direct her gaze to Aurelia's with a stony visage failed entirely, leaving Solulfur's gilt eyes to fall onto the silver she-wolf's face with every fracture in their shining lens fully exposed. They had shared moments like this before. Solulfur remembered inviting Aurelia to her den; glad to have the Shakti-Vaes close enough to soothe Solulfur's fears of seeing her slip beneath the black waters of the life-claiming lake. Touched to have been the sanctuary necessary for such a wolf of unmatched prowess and accomplishment. Solulfur wished for that now, she thought.

Sanctuary. Freedom. Fragility.

Is something on your mind? Yes, Solulfur replied, but I shouldn't bother you at such an hour. An apology, hidden as ever. The Sun-wolf felt ambushed, exposed; there was no shelter she trusted more than the silver-shield of the Shakti-Vaes. I received a marriage proposal earlier. She couldn't decide what details to mention, couldn't parse her feelings on the matter, revulsion and exhaustion and disappointment and grief. She did not know if Torgar would return from his hunt - perhaps only an excuse to abscond from a pack Solulfur was so rooted in, so omnipresent, at least by her biased measure.

I don't know why I came. Her inflection was flat, but the statement was honest. So rare did she not know something, or pretend she did. Rarer still for her to admit to such a state. But she knew she needed to be here, now.



RE: and I'm thinking of you, while I'm up here higher than God - Aurelia - 2/1/2026

Always their absurd dance of shouldn't, oughtn't, couldn't, their defensive platitudes a paper-thin wall between the singular need they shared for both acceptance and safety in each other's presence. Of course she shouldn't bother her at such an hour, from decency's perspective, but Aurelia damned decency for the simple pleasure of being needed.
The closeness she shared with Sólúlfur rivaled that which she held with her sister Tiberii, but also - different.

The Black Sun's next words fell on her like a slap to the face.

A marriage proposal? Sólúlfur?

The news broke so quickly that Aurelia was unable to hide the shock that twisted her expression. She felt - she didn't know how she felt. Surprised, yes, but there was also this strange, hot feeling in her gut like indignation, a roiling sort of outrage that left her bereft of words. The Shakti-Vaes stared at her companion with open stupidity, for once at a total loss.

Do you want to... come into the den with me? she forced out at last. It is more private.

Aurelia did not wait for her to say yes, only assumed she would; without another word she turned around and disappeared into the dark seclusion of her most sacred space, her mind a cacophony of desperate curiosity mingled with some foreign feeling she couldn't quite name.

Sólúlfur had very pointedly not mentioned turning down the proposal, nor who had made it.

Her thoughts raced. Who could have had the gall? The nerve? Who would have been so confident in their standing with the Black Sun that they would make such an offer, and that she might even accept it?

Something in Aurelia felt oddly sick, and she coiled up like a serpent as she waited for the woman to follow. The words were acrid as they left her mouth.

From who?

RE: and I'm thinking of you, while I'm up here higher than God - Sólúlfur - 2/1/2026



Aurelia looked as if the sky had dropped a large, heavy chunk of ice on her head. It brought Solulfur some degree of comfort and vindication to see the Shakti-Vaes rendered as speechless, as stunned, as the fra Nordri had been when the boy had presented such a proposal.

If he'd been someone else, someone she had not laid unspoken claim to as hers, someone she had not commiserated with over shared languages and finding one's footing in the world; she might have laughed. Laughed then, and laughed especially now with Aurelia here to join her in bemusement. Torgar had bared his heart to her with the naive, if sincere expectation of success. Solulfur did not laugh.

She was invited into the enveloping darkness of Aurelia's den, and accepted the offer with a relieved nod. The tension bled from her shoulders as she stepped inside, out of the worst of the snow and wind. Aurelia, on the other hand, seemed to take on every ounce of tension Solulfur shed. Green eyes were faint in the darkness, more grey than life-filled, and the rest of the silver she-wolf appeared to be carved from stone. Poised and immovable.

Torgar. She was sure Aurelia at least knew of him, if she hadn't had the chance to meet him properly. Solulfur sat. Her tail curled over her paws, and her head drooped slightly. She was much more tired from all of this than she would have been if she'd made it out to the beach as intended. I told him... The Sun-wolf paused. Mulled on her words at length. This seemed private. Perhaps not appropriate to share among friends, even those as close as Aurelia. She didn't think Aurelia would particularly care one way or the other, but the fact was relevant here.

Well, I told him I didn't like men, so no. Perhaps uncouth to mention, but Solulfur ripped the band-aid off and barreled onward to what troubled her most. Her ears pinned, and she scowled at the stone floor viciously. I have always taken some pride in my ability to not get swept up in these things. To be above and beyond the whimsies of the heart that led so many of her family into disaster. Solulfur had always thought them foolish to work themselves into a fit over some wolf they hardly knew - any dreams of the kind of transcendent love she'd once believed her parents to have had dissolved long, long ago. But he came to me on a fool's errand because I was too obtuse to correct his course earlier. The Sun-wolf gave an irritated sigh through her nose.




RE: and I'm thinking of you, while I'm up here higher than God - Aurelia - 2/1/2026

Silent and still, she watched with careful eyes as Sólúlfur made the descent and settled nearby. The pit in her stomach had moved a little, and she no longer looked as if she had swallowed something foul, but there was a peculiar hardness in her eyes that did not belong.

She would never confront it, never admit it, but Aurelia was possessive.

Perhaps it was due to the exclusivity of her private, vulnerable thoughts, of her innermost feelings, but those with which she shared these fragile parts of herself she deemed hers, and even Tiberii with her affection in Shiloh had made her... uncomfortable. Strange. Outwardly she expressed support, even offered advice, but deep down she feared the loss of the intimacy they had always shared with the advent of a beau.

Of someone more important.

Was that why she was so perturbed now? That she was so accustomed to the Black Sun's company, she jealously guarded that closeness?

Sólúlfur surprised her again.

You do not like - men? she repeated dumbly, again surprised. But then, how could she know otherwise? She and Sólúlfur had never spoken of matters of romance before, so it hadn't come up; there was no reason before. Aurelia felt awkward, ham-fisted.

Sorry. I didn't mean it like that, she said. However it sounded. I guess we've just never talked about it.

Aurelia had never seriously considered love. Not outside of the familial, blood-tied sense. She loved her father, her mother, her sisters and brothers - love was such a strong word, she had only ever used it in her mind for family. But where did Sólúlfur fall under? Aurelia knew she liked her, but somehow that still felt weak in light of the bond she felt they shared.

She turned the thought over in her mind. Men. Aurelia had been flirted with once or twice by men before, but it had never stirred anything within her beyond a vague feeling of impatience.

Sólúlfur's irritation brought her surprising relief.

I once found a man half-stuck in another beast's den, she said almost absently. When I'd freed him, he came onto me so strongly I considered shoving him back in. I wonder if it is the nature of males to be so impudent.

The serpent uncoiled, and Aurelia allowed herself to slowly relax. She hadn't realized she'd been so tense.

I know Torgar. He is young, but the experience may help him mature, she said. There was a long moment, and she swallowed hard before proceeding with the question that burned at the tip of her tongue. When did you know? That you did not like men. Ah, you don't need to answer if it's too private. I just... am curious.

RE: and I'm thinking of you, while I'm up here higher than God - Sólúlfur - 2/28/2026



Aurelia seemed surprised. Solulfur wasn't sure what to make of that - perhaps she had overstepped in the discussion after all. They were friends, but maybe not the kind of friends to speak on these matters. Even so, it had been Aurelia's doorstep Solulfur had stumbled to, unthinking, only feeling.

I don't speak of these things. I don't think about it, normally. She said, attempting to reassure Aurelia. There had been no misstep in the silver she-wolf's confusion. Solukfur had...wanted to tell her, had wanted to talk about it even if she feared it would be unwelcome. She had never given much thought to romantic entanglements. Her brother's soft-hearted excursions into that realm had been a point of contention between them and concern, and finally a peaceful contentment now that he had something real and unshakeable with the worthy Dalmatia, but never jealousy. Her parents' ill fated union had turned her off such a path by the time she would have considered it.

And Solulfur was not lonely or heartsick, that was the root of it. She had come into her adulthood here, surrounded by friends. Tiberri, Solvi, Aurelia. Solulfur did not need the heartbreak a partner would entail. She had Aurelia to challenge her to greater heights than she would reach on her own. She had Aurelia to salve the cracks in her veneer. She had no empty, aching spaces within her soul needing filled.

She did not speak that aloud, hardly put that much conscious thought into it. It existed only as immutable, silent truth, like gravity, like the rising of the sun, like the changing of the tide.

Aurelia's anecdote unraveled the tension in between Sol's brows, creased into her muzzle. Her head tilted slightly, expression smoothing. The idea of some man needing rescued still having the gall to proposition the First Class was amusing. The audacity...reminded her of her own experiences, with another crueler kind of beast. Solulfur's growing, smug smirk slid off her expression. Seems like it. A man once tore my shoulder open after I sternly refuted his crude advances. It was the first time Solulfur had spoken of the incident. The man had never returned, as she had feared for so long, and she finally felt as if speaking of it would not shame her in Aurelia's eyes.

Torgar would be better in the long run for having tried and failed in his endeavor, Solulfur knew this. Even if he felt he could not return to Dawnbreak or could never bear to even call her friend again, he would learn from this. It helped, though, to hear it from another's mouth. Solulfur was not as young and foolish as she had once been, and she knee what her shortcomings were. It was not outside her abilities go blind herself to her own callousness when it served her. And the long winter they'd been inflicted with, so keenly felt without their Sunlight, Solvi, had tried very hard to make Solulfur colder than she had been in some time.

The silence that lingered was companionable. Some strange kind of heat bloomed across her cheeks as Aurelia spoke again, and she glanced away. All of...an hour ago, maybe two? Sheepish laughter followed the admission. I've probably known longer - just never let myself think about it. Things ended badly with my parents. When I realized I needn't marry for duty, I knew I didn't want to end up like my mother, and never thought about it again.



RE: and I'm thinking of you, while I'm up here higher than God - Aurelia - 3/1/2026

That seemed fair enough. While the two were close (by her standards; she would not speak for Solulfur), it hadn't occurred to her to bring up sexual preferences before either, although it was probably because Aurelia assumed she herself had none. Thoughts of romance and sex had always been far from her mind, frivolous distractions she thought unworthy in light of the urgent matter of the end of the world and trying to keep the pack together and in good health - so Solulfur made sense.

She didn't think about it normally either.

But she was certainly thinking about it now.

Truth be told Aurelia rather disliked everyone equally. Perhaps not disliked, necessarily, but rather held at arm's length. It had always been easier this way.

That was where the wound came from? she asked suddenly, craning her head to look for the scar. Aurelia tried not to encroach on anyone else's private matters, but she had seen Solulfur's shoulder and wondered what had caused it. Hearing the reason made her blood boil. Bastard. Disgusting, vile bastard. I am sorry - I can only hope you returned the favor.

The audacity of men, thinking only with their genitals, stubborn and bull-headed and quick to react. Even Tiberius had been volatile, albeit not to that extent. Was it simply the nature of their sex? Or was it merely a series of unfortunate encounters? She thought back to the fellow who'd gotten himself stuck in a burrow and frowned.

If you see him again, point him out to me, she said lowly, a high growl etching emphasis on her words. You did not deserve that.

Her hackles had risen without realizing it. Aurelia glanced away, embarrassed for the overreaction, and forced herself to relax so the fur lay flat again.

Solulfur's gaze had also shifted, staring at one of the low walls surrounding them and seeming almost shy - a feat for the Black Sun. She touched briefly on the doomed love between her parents, if the word was even appropriate, and Aurelia found herself focusing on the minute contractions of her expression, her eyes, the way her mouth curved upwards ever so slightly when she laughed. How such a terrible union could create such a daughter, she could only marvel.

I am glad for you, getting out of it. I have never had marriage forced upon me, and frankly, I know little of romance. Many speak of butterflies and attraction like a whimsical fantasy, she said. I have always thought that love was made of harder stuff. Loyalty, strength, intent. Love is not just some silly - feeling -

She thought of the love she held for her sisters. Like iron; unbreakable, unyielding.

It is a choice you make once, and then continue to make every day.

Aurelia was careful not to say that she, herself, had felt the butterflies before, particularly in the presence of a specific dark-furred she-wolf. It was equally logical that her stomach had been upset.

Was often upset.