Of course I do. Nate breathed sharply, and his chest felt tight. But I can't say I wish she was here, can I? That would mean— His worst nightmares come true.

…And what would she think of me, now. Picking up into a steady lope, Nate followed a meadow stream toward the lake.

He had a lot of folks to care about, these days. Spring had more than a few of them in mind for marriage. And Cecil…

Nate chewed the inside of his cheek, ears flattening. His shoulder ached in the cold.

We never got to say goodbye. I don't — even if it's how things are — I don't know how I can leave her behind. Feels like I'm betraying something. Whatever we had. What we hoped to be. Dead men aren't supposed to have regrets, y'know?

Ko-Ga was rearranging Nate's feathers, and listened with ponderous intent.

An awful sickness was building in Nate's chest. It feels sometimes like she's the one that died.

Ko-Ga gave a raspy warble.

Isn't that awful? I'm here, and she's — she's still off somewhere.

A wan laugh, Probably married. Doesn't think about me at all. If he let himself be honest, he knew that wasn't true. They were words meant to hurt himself. To make him feel better, about being forced to leave her behind. To kill something that couldn't be killed.

Tears were welling. I had went and hung all my hopes on her, and now — Teeth grit. Now I got new hopes, but the old ones just won't be put to rest.

Leaves me in a damn pickle. At the lakeshore, he sat on riverstones and watched moonlight smear through waterstained eyes across the surface. How do you grieve something like that without bein' the most selfish man alive?