Raisa couldn't do it.
She was drowning in waves of her own grief, and she needed time to process all that had piled upon her young shoulders before she went mad. She'd done the work; she kept finding members somehow, she'd rebuilt her homeland from the ground up, she'd collected all sorts of treasures like a dragon on it's hoard, she'd walked Mythris time and time again to try and forge bonds with other packs. She'd soaked in any and all information, honing her skills and learning new ones, doing her best to be a good leader.
When did she ever get to reap the reward? Was she waiting for something she'd never get? Sure, leadership was an ongoing battle she'd never thought would ease, but was it their lot in life to suffer without respite?

The sapphire tigress sighed, each step slow and heavy as she moved to meet Barbosa. She thought learning about herbs and healing would bring her back to earth, help her focus again, but still she felt as if she was trying to breathe through the waves of the ocean as they sucked her into the unending black depths. She knew what she wanted. She'd known for a while now, she supposed, but Raisa never was good at admitting defeat. She'd procrastinated, kept trying, forcing herself to do it all. Alone. Day in, day out. Sunrise, sunset, and within each one she waited for a new heartbreak.

She couldn't keep quiet anymore. No matter what route Barbosa wanted to go down, something needed to change, somewhere needed to give in this unending pressure.

The ink-striped young woman let out a soft bark for her teacher, tail low and head hanging with unconcealed shame. She'd told Barb at the start of this all she wasn't sure if she was what Seiiki needed... and she was convinced, at this point, that was true. She wouldn't abandon her people, never! She'd stay on as whatever the chocolate femme would allow her as; a co-leader, a scout, wherever the wiser woman believed fit better. Monarch... it wasn't that the crown was too heavy, the responsibilities too much, but Raisa felt how it slipped down her brow; meant to adorn someone else. She could don it, she could go through the motions, but deep in her heart she didn't have the wisdom to lead Seiiki to the heights she wanted to to reach, wasn't friendly and social enough to get them there herself, wasn't experienced enough to stand on her own.

Part of her felt bad, not asking Serafina. Another part of her knew that she was protecting her littermate from a worser fate.

There was a chill to the air that made Raisa lighten just a fraction with hope as a breeze ruffled her thick brindled coat. She enjoyed the cold winter months, the snow that fell in crispy layers, the bite to the wind; it called to her blood in a way she didn't understand, but relished all the same. Some days, she stood on the border of the bloody forest and stared off into the looming mountain peaks, wondering if anyone would find her if she just... left. If anyone would even notice.

She plodded onwards to meet with Barbosa, approaching her densite.

Skill — Herbalist

The changing seasons had Barbosa busier than usual. Collecting herbs before they died had become her priority. She could pick and dry most things, but it was also imperative that she gather seeds and replant bulbs for the spring season to be as bountiful as possible.

It was there that Raisa likely found her, organising her makeshift shelving in the den with bunches of lavender, sage, and other perennials. Such pungent smells filled the hold beneath the tree she called home. Set on an embankment, the hollow had been dug out below the towering tree, bordered with warped sticks and branches that were covered in ivy, other climbing, hardy plants, oldman's beard adding pops of white as it grew amongst the greenery.

Truly, it was a nature lover's paradise, the path outside laid with flat, stepping stones that she'd moved and placed herself. A struggle, but worth the added decor as clover and moss filled the gaps between. Not only hard-wearing, but like a pillow on the feet after a long day of walking.

At the arrival of her friend, Barbosa peered out from her hole, a warm smile on her maw as she looked at the Sovereign.

Raisa, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company today?

Raisa had always felt a certain level of comfort drifting from the earthly woman, a sense of certainty. She always had some sort of answer ready for the young Monarch, some sagely advice or motherly wisdom, and it'd never gone unappreciated. There were few if any others Raisa knew she could trust with the troubled idea rolling around her mind, though mostly because she thought they would default to a comforting 'do what you think is best' or some other vague tidbit that went without interpretation. Raisa didn't know what was best, if she was doing the right thing or just getting cold paws, but it was either this, disband altogether and continue on as purposeless loners, or give their dwindling numbers to somewhere who needed them.

The woman sidled up to the den and gave a half-hearted smile as Barb stuck her head from the pretty den. She'd really spruced it up here after recovering, and she'd seemed especially busy the last weeks. Was she glad of a new apprentice and extra paws, or was Raisa just getting in her way? The blue woman didn't linger on the thought.

Barbosa, she greeted fondly, tail offering a few sad little wags, I... I need your counsel.

She breathed deep through her nose.

I've been calling myself the queen, but the crown just doesn't fit.

The breath left her jaws in a soft whoosh, and Raisa's eyes flicked down to the stepping stones.